"What Would It Be Like?"
by Candi Fletcher, Hope After Breast Cancer Contributor
I was searching through my preset radio stations on the way home from work today, trying to find a song I wanted to listen to. It's getting harder and harder to find songs playing that I enjoy, but one of the stations announced that their next song would be, "What Will It Be Like" by The Afters. "Ooooh, I love this song!" I thought, and turned up the volume.
It's been a while since I heard the song, and I was unsure of the first words. "What will it be like... when my pain is gone?" That's the opening line. And that's as far as I got with my singing because... you know... tears.
When my pain is gone? "Oh, how lovely that'll be," I dreamed. And then it hit me. There's much less pain in my body today than there had been. When did this happen? Oh-so-gradually.
After cancer treatment and the inevitable pain and weakness that accompanies it all, it took weeks -- no, Months -- to start to feel better. I remember thinking, "At least I’m not getting knocked down harder the moment I think I'm recovering." That's the name of the game with cancer treatment. Getting hit harder and harder with each step of treatment. Until you're all done and lying there wondering if recovery is humanly possible.
There have been several days since the last treatment when I've wondered, "Is this as good as it'll get? I mean, I'm grateful... but will I ever feel GOOD again?"
Yes, there's still some pain. Those tight, deconditioned muscles Everywhere! And in particular the ones that were cut and rearranged on my chest wall and under my armpit. There's nerve pain. There's still some fatigue and joint pain. So yes, I'm definitely still longing for the day when it's all gone.
But when I heard those lyrics today, I realized, "Wow, I have so much to be grateful for." Pain and sickness are No Fun. I mean, obviously, right? But when you've been through an extended period of physical suffering, then being healthy, cancer-free, and mobile is Simply Amazing.
To be able to once again contribute to life and the people around you is rewarding. Spending time outside the four walls of your home/bedroom? A treat. Enjoying a good meal, taking a walk, making a list and checking things off, taking just 2-3 pills in the morning, planning for a trip or two? What. Wonderful. Blessings.
As the realization sunk deeper into my mind and heart, my eyes teared up and I thanked the Lord for pulling me through to the other side. Of course, I must be honest, a shiver of fear did run through me as the thought crossed my mind that the cancer could return, leading to deeper, darker valleys before reaching that place of No More Pain. But whether or not that's where the Lord leads, there is Hope and Rest on the other side. Yes, the day will come. Either Here or There.
And if it's There, I'll do my best not to break any Heavenly rules about crying. (Do you think that applies to happy tears?)
Thank you, Candi, for your contribution!
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Shared with love by Jan James, Hope After Breast Cancer
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